I was casually watching television the other day when I kept seeing commercials for a new primetime game show (of which I cannot for the life of me tell you the name of; don’t I just kick ass as a journalist?) Anyway, I’m barely observing when I see the host of the show and slightly recognize him, so I wait for the next commercial to confirm who I thought it might be (of course I could have just used the rewind feature on my TV; don’t I just kick ass as a lazy fuck?) Well, as expected the commercial came back on and lo and behold the game show’s host was none other than Howie Mandel. The reason I couldn’t recognize him wasn’t because he’s a fucking has-been. It was because he shaved all his hair off. By the way, for those of you who don’t know who Howie Mandel is, he was this “comedian” in the late 80’s who used to put a surgical glove on his head and inflate it with his nose. Good stuff. Really.
Anyhow, it dawned on me that this shaved head craze has gotten out of hand. Sure, it was the COOL thing to do in the 90’s because it was the sum opposite of hippiedom and it made fat guys look tough instead of dumpy. And it’s the common practice for football teams to shave their heads before a playoff game inorder to promote spirit and unity. But dammit, I’m sick of it now! How in the hell are we supposed to differentiate the neo-nazis anymore? Can’t judge them by their army jackets; you can buy that kind of shit at Hot Topic these days. But you look in the media and see all sorts of bald-headedness in 2005. Bruce Willis, Michael Rosenbaum, Billy Zane, and of course old Howie are just a few names I can think of at the moment. Okay, Michael Rosenbaum doesn’t really count, because he has to keep his head shaved for all those ‘fresh’ episodes of Smallville. But the other guys are only doing it because they’re actually balding, and don’t want to come off looking like Stanley Tucci.
So listen to me now, and don’t judge my edict as a biased opinion due to my long, flowing locks. STOP SHAVING YOUR HEADS, BASTARDS! I realize it’s not just your fault; corporate society has allowed this travesty to continue by letting you skinheaded fuckers go into the workplace. But it’s about time someone told you that shaving your head doesn’t make you look like a badass. It actually makes you look more like a dick with ears. I think this video not only proves this doesn’t make you tough (actually it appears backwards baseball caps give off the Samson effect,) but also acts as a reminder that no hair will make you uncushioned once you hit your head on the pavement.
Of course, I might just be venting because I shaved my head once, and I looked alot like Charlie Brown. But I seriously doubt it.